Rory Miller Seminar

imageRory Miller (“Meditations on Violence” author) will be offering a weekend workshop here in Seattle, WA. for those interested in reality based training for self defense.  Also included (or can be taken separately on Saturday at 11am I believe) is a lecture on the legalities of self defense, something rarely discussed and very much needed!

Click Here to register or for more information!

Also check out his informative website.


imageFirst Pekiti Tirsia Kali Training Seminar Seattle, WA. August 28-29th 2010.  W/ Meynard Ancheta

Wow!  To be quite honest my head is still swimming from this weekend, so I am not sure how articulate I will be this morning.  This past weekend was a first in many respects; it was Guro Meynard Ancheta’s first time teaching a Pekiti Tirsia Kali seminar (which he really outdid himself on); it was the first time I have ever organized and hosted a Filipino Kali seminar (and I had a much greater response than I imagined I would); this was the first time I received so much positive feedback from the participants; and (to the best of my knowledge) this was the first time a Pekiti Tirsia Kali seminar was openly taught in Seattle, WA!“In the field of strategic knifedefense, the Pekiti-Tirsia Systemof Kali is THE most progressive,practical and sophisticated systemof tactical knife self-defense andedged weapon awareness that Ihave ever encountered”Guro Dan Inosanto
For those of you who may not be familiar, Danny Inosanto is considered one of the living legends of Filipino Martial Arts!  For him to offer such an opinion is no joke as he is a man with integrity and a depth of knowledge few will ever reach.
Meynard is not a fan of gimmick’s and flash.  His foundation both with Leo Gaje, as well as with Tim Cartmell is based in solid fundamentals.  “If you do not have a solid foundation, no tricks or flashy techniques will be effective.  It is the boring stuff drilled repeatedly that makes the difference in technical ability.” –  Ancheta
So the foundation of Pekiti Tirsia Kali was set forth.  Meynards emphasis on footwork, correct angles, and range were the sub theme’s of the weekend where we trained the Doce Methodos, or Twelve Methods of traditional Kali.
We worked all three ranges focusing on stick work on Saturday, and progressing to knife work on Sunday.  Basic flow drills, footwork patterns, all the while sprinkled with techniques made the weekend fly by!   A couple attendee’s mentioned how they had never seen some Dumog (Filipino wrestling) demonstrated like Meynard showed!
“A basic foundation in wrestling and ground technique is essential for training Pekiti Tirsia Kali!  If you have been avoiding this type of training, you will pay the price if you ever end up in a fight!”  Meynard was adamant about the need for a solid foundation in grappling both standing and on the ground.  He shared a couple stories of Dog Brothers fights where the difference between losing and winning was determined by the better grappler, not the better stick fighter!

image Privately I got some great insight into the approach Meynard and his teacher Leo Gaje take on Kali.  I cannot express how happy I am to be back training in the Filipino martial arts, especially since I have been taken under wing by Meynard.  I could not ask for a more knowledgeable, and caring instructor!  I am certainly blessed in my life with good, quality people whom surround me in my life from my family, to my wife,  to my instructors.
For those of you interested in solid, fundamental training in Kali you should really consider hosting Meynard Ancheta.  His skill in the arts is only overshadowed by his passion for sharing those arts!  If you are interested in contacting Meynard please send me a email and I will be more then happy to assist.
In the end Meynard was very impressed by how everyone picked up what he taught so quickly!  We discussed me heading a little learning group here, and I am looking to see when and where I could squeeze that in.  Again contact me if you are seriously interested in doing something like a small learning group here in Seattle.
Big thanks to all whom attended, I could not bring these quality instructors to you without your support and hard work.  Special thanks to Bonzai for her expert videographer skills and help throughout the weekend!
Stay tuned to the Ground Never Misses for more information on Pekiti Tirsia Kali here in the PAC NW! We plan on bringing Meynard back after the first of the year sometime.
Train Hard.  Train Smart.Jake I have decided to part with my back issues of Gracie magazine, and I wanted to give my loyal followers of the Ground Never Misses first crack at the few sets I have.  Below is a list of the numbered issues I have.  You will notice I have three different sets (had some doubles of certain issues), some have minor wear and tear, while others are still in their plastic shrink wrap.  The prices do not reflect any shipping, I can factor that if need be.  First pay, first get!  This is a steal considering each issue is $9!

Contact me: [email protected]


SET #1: $100


SET #2: $25

SET #3: $20

I also have a few random issues: #125 / 127 x 2.

For those interested in continuing their study of the Filipino Martial Arts Marc Denny (Crafty Dog: one of the founding Dog Brothers) will be in Seattle, WA. in a couple of weeks doing some of his Kali Tudo material and Die Less Often Material.
I can only afford one day, but I will be looking for a training partner to take.  Not sure which day I will attend so email me if you are interested.  Maybe we can take a small PTK group with us!?


Guerilla’s learning blade skills during WWII

Last call kids!  I have only a few spots left for Sundays session, and am almost totally sold out for Saturday.  If you are interested, or are planning on attending contact me ASAP!

Here is a great clip of Tim Waid demonstrating some knife work:

[email protected]

My blog post below a few days ago ranted a bit about the general lack of customer service I am experiencing as of late, and Mark Sisson was at the brunt of the bitch.  As I stated in the post below I tried contacting him several times and got a cookie cutter response the first attempt, with no reply’s the following emails.

When I posted the blog I sent a copy of it to Mark, and I guess that motivated him to contact me as I had an email waiting for me this AM.  I must admit Mark was very nice in supplying the link (all I asked for to begin with) and said he felt I was a bit harsh in my treatment of him and the situation, and to consider that he gets literally hundreds of emails a day, and not to forget this was a “free” gift I was bitching about.  I said perhaps I was a bit harsh, but customer service seems to be the first thing out the window when someone grows bigger then their britches.  And regardless of what your product is, nor how much it costs, customer service is paramount.

So I thought it was only fair to offer a follow up to my readers and to let them know Mark did respond.

imageBJ Penn, quite possibly one of MMA’s most talented stars got his start in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in an effort by his parents to keep him out of trouble in Hilo, Hawaii.  In 1997 BJ began his training under Ralph Gracie who awarded BJ his purple belt.  After a falling out with Ralph in 2000 BJ moved onto Nova Unaio, and earned his black belt under Andre Pederneiras just weeks prior to the World Championships in Brazil.  At 21 years of age, with just 3 years of BJJ under his belt, BJ went to the most prestigious grappling tournament in the world and dominated!  This is the genesis of the nickname “Prodigy,” as it can typically take the average human anywhere between 10-12 years to earn a black belt in BJJ!

I have no clue who his opponent is here, but this is the footage of BJ’s Mundial (World) Championship match.  Impressive to see even at that young age the pressure, smoothness, and fluidity of movement.  I am usually pretty opposed to making statements like “He was born with it.” but BJ certainly makes one wonder, as his skill and dominance in BJJ and in MMA seems to only be nullified by his own sloth and ego.  So far very few people on earth have beat him, let alone stood toe to toe with BJ.  I remember reading a while back in a Gracie magazine that BJ said he considered his Gold at the Mundial’s to be his most prized victory, even more so than UFC belts!

Enjoy, and thanks to for the link!

Okay, on a more positive note…
Here is a great compilation of training footage from Thailand.  Not all of it is Buakaw but you get some glimpses of him training.  The kids are awesome!  Great inspiration!


Am I getting old?  I find myself getting increasingly aggravated by what I perceive as an alarming lack of customer service in the SERVICE industry!!  Followers of the Ground Never Misses remember last week’s cluster of a flock with Google and their unwillingness to even address one of their CONTRACT EMPLOYEES (for which I was for a month) questions and concerns.

Well it must be something in the water as Mark Sisson over at Marks Daily Apple (a website I link to and often draw information from because he usually has solid things to offer in terms of nutrition and exercise) seems to be suffering from some sort of service phobia as well!

Mark recently release a free e-book on “Primal Exercise” and being a regular subscriber to his posts and emails I thought I would get it and check out some of the things he had to say about free body weight routines and what not.  Well perhaps I missed an email somewhere or something, but I never got the link to the e-book.  When I tried to get it via his site, it said I was already registered and could not register again (whatever that means).  So I figured no biggie, just email Mark and he will graciously share the e-book with me, as in the past he has been very quick to answer questions for readers worldwide.

So I send a short email via his site (again, what is with the lack of emails available) simply asking for a link to the e-book, which keep in mind is free!  So basically it means Mark would have to click a few times on a mouse and that is about it!

The response I get is basically a template for the computer ignorant; “check your junk box as the email may have been filtered out.”  Did that already.  “If it cannot be found there, simply go open up a new email account and re-sign up with the website to get the free e-book.”  WHAT?!?!?  Go sign up on a different email simply to get your free e-book?  Why would I do that??

I politely answered back that I thought that was a bit ridiculous just to get a FREE e-book that he has on his computer.

No response.

Just a few days ago I sent another email asking for a resolution to the issue.  Again… no response.  I wonder if he sees this post if he will continue to slack in the customer service area?

So I am left to deduce what the goal of Mark’s is, as obviously disseminating information in an effort to help people is NOT his agenda:

Basically it all boils down to whom is going to buy his stuff.  His books, his supplements etc.  A free e-book is nothing but pure, FREE, advertising for himself and yet his customer service skills can merely muster a “get a different email address” to the most common, easily fixed problem one of his customers could have; I simply did not get a link!

I contemplated pulling down his site from my blog roll, as I really do not want to be associated with greedy, self indulgent douche waffles.  But then I decided NOT to act like Google an censor where my readers get information from, and I will leave it to you to decide.  After all the power to make, or break, these companies big or small lies within each one of our hands.  We can choose whom we give our time and money to, and when ignorant companies and CEO’s start seeing that their bottom line is suffering, perhaps they will start to take something as simple as customer service seriously.  In the end my mid west upbringing has taught me a few simple rules, and one of them is “The customer isn’t always right, but they still are the customer and I should do everything in my power to make the situation right.”

I trained in Modern Arnis for approximately 5 years with the late Professor Remy Presas in the mid 90’s.  Simple curiosity led me to the first seminar and I was immediately hooked.  The Filipino martial arts are not only extremely practical for self defense, but they are also tons of fun!  I mean where else do you get to swing sticks at each others head and stab folks with fake knives!?!?
Though I continued to train on my own I did not train under anyone after I moved to New Mexico.  Focusing on the Chinese arts I put my stick and knife work on the back burner until moving up here to Seattle four years ago.  My desire to get better at a weak area of my practice (knife work) had me looking for Kali / Escrima / Arnis teachers in the area.  For me finding an instructor is much more than just giving money to some guy to show me random techniques.  I have always, and will always, choose those I train with very carefully with great diligence to a number of factors to ensure the relationship and the training would mesh.  Quite simply our individual personalities do not always play well with others, and when it comes to something as serious as weapons training I want someone with similar views, opinions, and outlooks on reality and training as I do!
imageSo when some ask me “Why Pekiti Tirsia Kali, Jake?” I must give the honest answer… the style does not matter to me nearly as much as the teacher.  Hence my careful choosing of Meynard Ancheta to continue my training in the FMA.  Meynard and I share teachers with Tim Cartmell, as well as sharing idea’s and attitudes to our approach when it comes to no non-sense blade training.  Really all it took was the first factor of being one of Tim’s top student, but it just so happens that Meynard trains Pekiti Tirsia Kali because he feels it is one of the most natural, simplest, most effective blade arts in the world.
Here is a clip of Leo Gaje offering a comprehensive introduction to PTK.  “This is a combat system, not sport!”

Here is Meynards teacher Leo Gaje (who BTW will be in Vancouver, BC Sept. 24-25) offering some insight into the system of PTK:

Another one of Meynard’s teachers, Tim Waid, is considered by many to be the most knowledgeable student of Leo’s in regards to the traditional familial style of PTK (which Meynard will be teaching us).  Here Tim Waid offers some various drills and free sparring from PTK:

So for anyone interested in increasing their knowledge of personal protection, The Filipino Martial Arts, or those wanting to improve such attributes as timing / footwork / range / hand – eye coordination etc. please   join us August 28-29th here in Seattle, WA. for Guro Ancheta’s first weekend seminar in the PAC NW!
I am capping the seminar to ensure safe space and personal attention from Meynard.  Registration is already over 1/2 full!  Email or Call me today to register!
I urge any potential attendees to spend some time on the Pekiti Tirsia Kali  website ( as their is a ton of information on the site.  Look into the training manuals and articles (especially on the Doce Methodos, or 12 Methods) that are all over the site.
Hope you can join us for a great weekend of Kali training!
Train Hard.  Train Smart.Jake imageWho is stupid enough to steal Semmy Schilt’s 2009 K-1 Word Kickboxing Championship belt??   From his own gym none the less!?!?!    Thanks to Head Kick Legend for this story too!

I mean really?  Not only is it incredibly disrespectful, not only is it incredibly not healthy physically, but what the [email protected]#$% would you do with a one of a kind belt like that?

I hope the champ gets his belt back without any issue.  And for the moron who stole it to begin with… you better hope the 6′ 11″ 290# beast of Europe is in a gracious and forgiving mood!


“Who stole my what??”

Here is one of Muay Thai’s most legendary fights between the Dutch beast Peter “The Hurricane” Smit and Thai superstar Changpuek Kiatsongrit in Lumpinee Stadium 1990.  This fight will go down in the record books as one of the most balls to the wall kickboxing matches ever.  Smit KO’s a Thai champ in his home stadium (first time ever)!

His aggression and never say die attitude is an inspiration to all!  And for those who think spin kicks are worthless, you may want to check out this video.

Smit’s career was stopped short when he passed five years ago from a gunshot wound from an altercation!
Thanks to Head Kick Legend for the clip.


Fellow PAC NW martial blogger Chris Marshall at Martial Development dotcom has had similar issues with Google in the past, and said he is STILL waiting after 5+ months for Google to reply to his request of specifically what they deem acceptable content!   Click here to read his whole ordeal.  Chris believes they have a certain agenda with martial arts and martial artists.  So fellow kickers, punchers, and grapplers beware!

Here is a clip I borrowed from Chris’ blog that is short and to the point.  I knew Google was no different than any other conglomerate, but I did not realize the extent of their hypocrisy and just how thirsty they are to “rule” the information realm.  “1984” anyone!?

Why does it seem so hard for a company to be hugely successful without fucking over others!?!?


image< Those who visit my blog daily have noticed that the Google AdSense ad’s disappeared as quickly as they were put up.  “What is up with that?” you may be asking.  I too would like to know!

Wednesday afternoon I returned home from training and teaching to an email telling me my AdSense account has been closed.  At first I thought it was merely another spam email, but just in case I opened it up and took a look.  It was legitimately from someone at Google.  No ability to reply mind you, no name, no customer service number, essentially no customer service!  Not a surprise, but disappointing none the less. So I wasted the next 30 minutes of my day searching for what the hell was the reasoning, as Google did not give me a reason.  They simply said I was doing something “illegal,” shut my account down, provided a link to a FAQ page if I had further questions, and basically told me to fuck off!  The only action I could provide was to write an appeal, which I was told they may not be able to respond to for WEEKS because of high volume of appeals!  None the less I appealed even though I still had no clue what I was appealing!?

So I basically deduced that their were one of two problems.  I had a couple of people tell me the links they clicked on would not open a new page.  They did nothing.  While I did not experience this directly I had at least 2-3 people tell me that they kept trying to load a certain page and it would not.  Perhaps their incessant  clicking angered the Google God’s!??!?! The other issue it MIGHT have been (keep in mind Google has yet to address the actual issue with my account) is that Google was tracking IP addresses and being in Seattle, with a handful of friends whom work in high tech labs on VERY protected computers, many companies have hidden IP addresses to avoid spam, infiltration from outside sources etc.  Essentially Google says on their FAQ sheet that they track IP’s yet cannot share how they do it, nor will they tell you why (think about it…. if Google REALLY wanted to get rid of spam they could, just like we could get rid of junk mail if we REALLY gave a golden shit about recycling and paper use…) Google thrives off of cookies/spam and they use it to gain info on what you are buying / searching for online! So I can only deduce (again I have politely asked Google for reasoning, but since they have no customer service I am left to speculate) that most likely they got pissed that certain IP addresses could not be traced and exploited for their profit!  So their answer… shut me down!

Essentially this is what happened to me, except this guy has way more time to argue with the Google idiots!

From the above link it seems that if traffic bumps by as little as 3-4% Google shuts you down!

What really angers me is two fold:
1- Whatever the reasoning; it is out of my control!  To suggest that I am trying to “scam” Google online is absurd (especially those of you whom know me, I can barely check my email!).  So any of the issues listed on their FAQ sheet were quite simply out of my control!  Why should I get punished for something I cannot control?

image2- Googles customer service… the only service you get is after you bend over for them!  What kind of corporation does not even provide contact info for problems with their customers?  Not even an email??  Absurd!  Could you imagine having food poisoning at a restaurant where you could not contact the manager to discuss the issue, and when you emailed them you were sent a link to a FAQ sheet that basically made 20 general problems as to why you got food poisoning!?!?  Insane!

Alas this is the society we have all agreed to live in though.  No one stands up and says “Fuck that!” anymore.  Complacent little lemmings who behave and never step out of line.  Sad.

So my advice (which is worthless at the current US dollar amount) is to not even deal with Google Ad Sense if you are thinking about it!  What a terrible experience and a giant waste of time.  All in the attempt to make a few measly bucks and basically provide FREE advertising for Google’s accounts!  I should have been less greedy I suppose. Don’t buy into this for no other reason then if you do encounter problems you will be left in the rain like a red headed step child!

Fuck you very much google!

Diet seems to be the hot topic of the day as of late.  In the news, on the web, in the dojo etc.  Big thanks to my bud Mike Morgan for sending me these great links and clips!  Before we go any further I must make clear that I am not a trained anything!  I have very little (and biased) diet info from Natural Therapeutics school, and what I consider an intelligent diet may not be the best for you.  I encourage you to read any and all sources of info (even the bullshit biased stats coming from the FDA) and make your own intelligent decisions, as only you know your body like you know your body!  Oh… and if you are not in touch with your body enough to be able to communicate with it; lets start today shaping up your diet and exercise regime!
I personally do not believe it TOTALLY cutting out any one thing.  Veggie’s are foolish, as are the strict Paleo nuts who avoid fruits and what not.  I dabble into a little bit of everything except High Fructose Corn Syrup, most all dairy, and try my damnedest not to ingest anything processed.  Obvious vice exceptions apply too; beer!

Pay Now, Live Later is a great paleo blog packed full of info and is the producer of the following three clips on Paleo Lifestyle in a nutshell!  Check them out as they are to the point, fun, and break everything down pretty simply.





Traditional Dit Da Jow / Tieh Da Jiu, often translated as either “Fall – Hit Liniment” or “Iron Strike Liniment,” is a traditional Chinese herbal remedy used to help heal contusions, bruises, sore joints etc.  Because of the nature of the liniment it became synonymous with martial art schools and groups, and over time each family developed their own specific recipe for both the herb content as well as the methodology in which it was brewed.

imageIn general the herbs help to facilitate blood flow and the movement of lymph through the injury.  Some recipes (such as the one I offer) bring lots of heat to the injured area.  These elements combined help to speed along recovery and shorten the injury time.

My experience with Chinese medicine is limited to the many amazing healers I have met in New Mexico, and the 500 or so hours I took at Natural Therapeutic School that covered general principles and theory.  I have studied some Tui Na (Chinese massage) and have been taught many various things from my friends in NM that were ODM, but I cannot say I can prescribe anything so the following should be read with common sense and the knowledge that I am just some schmuck babbling on a blog that you happened across one lazy Tuesday afternoon.

My introduction to jow and its usage came via the Chinese martial arts and my first CMA teacher Dug Corpolongo in the Burque, NM.  Dug has an eclectic approach to the arts and it was via him that not only did I learn the basics of CMA, but also I owe a debt of gratitude for influence on me spiritually in regards to my future in Chinese Philosophy and Religion at university.  Dug knows a fair amount about herbs and massage and he was kind enough to impart his knowledge and info onto me through the years.  His friends Kurt Saenz and Phil Romero also shared their knowledge of traditional Chinese healing methods learned in guan’s across asia.  Many martial artists were also healers of one sort or another, so the knowledge of how to hurt and heal is not as cliche as one would sometimes assume!  Kurt and Phil learned from their respective masters Augustine Fong and Hawkins Cheung respectively.

The list grows for me in New Mexico as I was very tied into the CMA community which was small and many students were also students at the various acupuncture and healing schools (we had up to 6 at one time in a 120 mile radius around Albuquerque!!).  So jow recipes and talk got thrown around quite a bit, and quite frankly none of them were bad, but nothing to get excited about.

Then I met Mike Biggie via Steve Cottrell one day while competing at Tony Yangs Wu Tan Invitational in Akron, OH.  As a gift Mike gave me a bottle of his latest batch of jow and it was amazing!  I had some serious bruises from getting hit on my ribs and his jow healed it up within 3 days!

Now for those of you whom are unfamiliar with Mike Biggie, well you really have not studied your North American CMA history because he has been there since the early 70’s.  Known for his devastating Choy Li Fut, Mike’s mistress is Northern Mantis.  Namely HK Seven Star!  As a “hobby” Mike has studied Chinese herbs, only Chinese herbs, for as long as he has trained CMA.  He has no degree.  He does not treat people.  But he has collected recipes, studied the various qualities of combining herbs, and treating various ailments of his own for over three decades!  To say he knows a thing or two is quite the understatement.

Luckily Mike and I are basically from the same stock and hit it off quite well.  As a matter of fact he is one of the few “old timers” I stay in touch with.  And it is through him that I get my herbs for the recipe I have (story for another time about the recipe I have from the mid 1800’s).  I also learned Iron Palm technique from him, and he has taught me a lot about liniments, jows and herbs as well.

This liniment is perfect for anyone who does any kind of contact sport!  I have had friends use it on their kids bruises from soccer and football.  My mother used it for arthritis.  I use it in recovery from serious injuries.

The batch I have was prepared in the fall of 2004, and was not touched for three years.  It is some of the best jow I have ever come across and I am getting rid of the last little batch I have.  Limited amounts are available so email me if you are interested: [email protected]

4oz Bottles $20 + S&H

8oz Bottles $35 + S&H

I also have a very limited amount of Mike’s Iron Palm Liniment.  Again email me if interested: [email protected]

Train Hard, Train Smart!

Jean Jacques Machado will be hosting a training camp in Tarzana, CA. Oct. 23-24 2010.   For those able to attend you will quickly find out why most people refer to JJ Machado as a wizard!  Incredibly intelligent BJJ teacher and pioneer in the art.imageAlright America time for an intervention!  Here is a list of the 20 worst drinks in America in terms of caloric intake and sugar content.  As you can see sugar is the culprit in all these drinks, yet even the most highly educated fools cannot seem to figure out the correlation between sugar and our ever expanding obesity problem.  And these are just the drinks listed we have not gotten into candy, high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) etc.  
imageEven ordering that Starfuck’s latte with milk and SUGAR is going to pack on the pounds.  Though I cannot stand Starfucks I used to frequent the baristas down the road from my old house and get a vanilla latte (light on the syrup) once or twice a week.  While I was preparing for the 09 No Gi Worlds I cut out all sugar and dairy, and one of the first things to be cut lose was the lattes.  I started drinking coffee at home, just plain old black (which tastes better anyways) and I seriously dropped about 5 pounds right there!  It was a real eye opener as to how much sugar (and dairy) affect our bodies, no matter how little we are consuming.  
Brian (my BJJ coach) has a great dietary strategy… avoid the middle of the store.  Simply put avoid the shelved items as they contain preservatives, sugar, and a whole host of stuff that is simply just not good for you.  If it does not spoil, do not consume it.  Now I understand we all have a sweet tooth to a degree, but all these drinks (even the “sports” drinks) are just rife with sugar and/or HFCS!  The solution?   
More aqua.  H2O.  Water.  More water.  The overwhelming majority of us are walking around SEVERELY dehydrated as is, add in the soda’s and other shit we consume and that is making matters worse!  Other than water I drink three things and basically three things only; coffee / beer / juice.  
So here is my challenge to you… slowly (not a joke, sugar is HIGHLY addictive) ween yourself off of sugar.  You will lose weight.  Your digestion will improve.  Your bowel movements will become more frequent.  Your teeth will be healthier.  The list goes on but you get the idea.  And for those of you whom are parents, start investing in your child’s future and build good habits to keep them away from sugar and HFCS.  Also get involved with your local school district and work to ban soda machines in schools and “sponsorship” programs that companies like Coke have with your schools.  It is pure garbage and we have allowed corporate America to walk right in and abuse our children without a second thought.  Take responsibility and control of our futures health, because the path we are on will lead to nothing but self destruction.  And we have only ourselves to blame!

20. Worst Water Snapple Agave Melon Antioxidant Water (1 bottle, 20 fl oz) 150 calories  0 g fat  33 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 2 Good Humor Chocolate Éclair Bars   While “Worst Water” may sound like an oxymoron, the devious minds in the bottled beverage industry have even found a way to besmirch the sterling reputation of the world’s most essential compound. Sure, you may get a few extra vitamins, but ultimately, you’re paying a premium price for gussied-up sugar water. Next time you buy a bottle of water, check the recipe: You want two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen, and very little else.

19. Worst Bottled Tea SoBe Green Tea (1 bottle, 20 fl oz) 240 calories 0 g fat 61 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 4 slices Sara Lee Cherry Pie
Leave it to SoBe to take an otherwise healthy bottle of tea and inject it with enough sugar to turn it into dessert. The Pepsi- owned company’s flagship line, composed of 11 flavors with names like “Nirvana” and “Cranberry Grapefruit Elixir,” is marketed to give consumers the impression that it can cleanse the body, mind, and spirit. Don’t be fooled. Just like this bottle of green tea, all of these beverages are made with two primary ingredients: water and sugar.

18. Worst Energy Drink Rockstar Energy Drink (1 can, 16 fl oz) 280 calories 0 g fat  62 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 6 Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Doughnuts   None of the energy provided by these full-sugar drinks could ever justify the caloric load, but Rockstar’s take is especially frightening. One can provides nearly as much sugar as half a box of Nilla Wafers. In fact, it has 60 more calories than the same amount of Red Bull and 80 more than a can of Monster. If you’re going to guzzle, better choose one of the low-cal options. We like Monster; it offers all the caffeine and B vitamins with just enough sugar to cut through the funky extracts.

17. Worst Bottled Coffee Starbucks Vanilla Frappuccino (1 bottle, 13.7 fl oz) 290 calories 4.5 g fat (2.5 g saturated) 45 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 32 Nilla Wafers   With an unreasonable number of calorie landmines peppered across Starbucks’ in-store menu, you’d think the company would want to use its grocery line to restore faith in its ability to provide caffeine without testing the limits of your belt buckle. Guess not. This drink has been on our radar for years, and we still haven’t managed to find a bottled coffee with more sugar. Consider this—along with Starbucks’ miniature Espresso and Cream Doubleshot—your worst option for a morning pickup.
16. Worst Soda Sunkist (1 bottle, 20 fl oz) 320 calories 0 g fat 84 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 6 Breyers Oreo Ice Cream Sandwiches   Wait . . . but aren’t all sodas equally terrible? It’s true they all earn 100 percent of their calories from sugar, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still varying levels of atrocity. Despite the perception of healthfulness, fruity sodas tend to carry more sugar than their cola counterparts, and none make that more apparent than the tooth-achingly sweet Sunkist. But what seals the orange soda’s fate on our list of worsts is its reliance on the artificial colors yellow 6 and red 40—two chemicals that may be linked to behavioral and concentration problems in children.

15. Worst Beer Sierra Nevada Bigfoot (1 bottle, 12 fl oz) 330 calories 0 g fat 32.1 g carbohydrates 9.6% alcohol Carbohydrate Equivalent: 12-pack of Michelob Ultra   Most beers carry fewer than 175 calories, but even your average extra-heady brew rarely eclipses 250. That makes Sierra’s Bigfoot the undisputed beast of the beer jungle. Granted, the alcohol itself provides most of the calories, but it’s the extra heft of carbohydrates that helps stuff nearly 2,000 calories into each six-pack. For comparison, Budweiser has 10.6 grams of carbs, Blue Moon has 13, and Guinness Draught has 10. Let’s hope the appearance of this gut- inducing guzzler in your fridge is as rare as encounters with the fabled beast himself.

14. Worst Kids’ Drink Tropicana Tropical Fruit Fury Twister (1 bottle, 20 fl oz) 340 calories 0 g fat 60 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: Two 7-ounce canisters Reddi-wip   Don’t let Tropicana’s reputation for unadulterated OJ lead you to believe that the company is capable of doing no wrong. As a Pepsi subsidiary, it’s inevitable that they’ll occasionally delve into soda-like territory. The Twister line is just that: a drink with 10 percent juice and 90 percent sugar laced with a glut of artificial flavors and coloring. You could actually save 200 calories by choosing a can of Pepsi instead.

13. Worst Functional Beverage Arizona Rx Energy (1 can, 23 fl oz) 345 calories 0 g fat 83 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 6 Cinnamon Roll Pop-Tarts   Obviously Arizona took great pains in making sure this can came out looking like something you’d find in a pharmacy. But if your pharmacist ever tries to sell you this much sugar, he should have his license revoked. And if it’s energy you’re after, this isn’t your best vehicle. Caffeine is the only compound in the bottle that’s been proven to provide energy, and the amount found within is about what you’d get from a weak cup of coffee.
12. Worst Juice Imposter Arizona Kiwi Strawberry (1 can, 23 fl oz) 345 calories 0 g fat 81 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 7 bowls of Froot Loops   The twisted minds at the Arizona factory outdid themselves with this nefarious concoction, a can the size of a bazooka loaded with enough of the sweet stuff to blast your belly with 42 sugar cubes. The most disturbing part isn’t that it masks itself as some sort of healthy juice product (after all, hundreds of products are guilty of the same crime), but that this behemoth serving size costs just $.99, making its contents some of the cheapest calories we’ve ever stumbled across.

11. Worst Espresso Drink Starbucks Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha with Whipped Cream (venti, 20 fl oz) 660 calories 22 g fat (15 g saturated) 95 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 8½ scoops Edy’s Slow Churned Rich and Creamy Coffee Ice Cream   Hopefully this will dispel any lingering fragments of the “health halo” that still exists in coffee shops—that misguided belief that espresso-based beverages can’t do much damage. In this 20-ounce cup, Starbucks manages to pack in more calories and saturated fat than two slices of deep- dish sausage and pepperoni pizza from Domino’s. That makes it the equivalent of dinner and dessert disguised as a cup of coffee. If you want a treat, look to Starbucks’ supply of sugar-free syrups; if you want a caffeine buzz, stick to the regular joe, an Americano, or a cappuccino.
10. Worst Lemonade Auntie Anne’s Wild Cherry Lemonade Mixer (32 fl oz) 470 calories 0 g fat 110 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 11 bowls of Cookie Crisp cereal   There is no such thing as healthy lemonade, but Auntie’s line of Lemonade Mixers takes the concept of hyper-sweetened juice and stretches it to dangerous new levels. See, sugar digests faster than good-for-you nutrients like protein and fiber, which means it’s in your blood almost immediately after you swallow it. Drinking the 3 or 4 days’ worth of added sugar found here jacks your blood sugar and results in strain to your kidneys, the creation of new fat molecules, and the desire to eat more. Ouch.

9. Worst Hot Chocolate Starbucks White Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream (venti, 20 fl oz) 520 calories 16 g fat (11 g saturated) 75 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 9 Strawberry Rice Krispie Treats   See that stack of Rice Krispie Treats? It’s just three treats shy of two full boxes. Unless you were a contestant on Fear Factor— and there was a sizeable monetary prize on the line—you’d never even consider noshing down that much sugar at once. But here’s what’s interesting: While that stack is the sugar counterpart to this atrocity from Starbucks, it still has 40 percent less saturated fat. Makes us wonder what’s going on in the hot chocolate. Stick to beverages with single-flavor profiles instead of pile-on recipes like this and you’ll fare better every time.
8. Worst Frozen Coffee Drink Dairy Queen Caramel MooLatte (24 fl oz) 870 calories 24 g fat (19 g saturated, 1 g trans) 112 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 12 Dunkin’ Donuts Bavarian Kreme Doughnuts   Coffee-dessert hybrids are among the worst breed of beverages. This one delivers 1 gram of fat and 4.6 grams of sugar in every ounce, making even Starbucks’ over-the-top line of Frappuccinos look like decent options. Maybe that’s why DQ decided to give it a name that alludes to the animal it promises to turn you into. If you can bring yourself to skip DQ and head to a coffee shop instead, order a large iced latte with a couple shots of flavored syrup and save some 600 calories. But if you’re stuck where you are, you’re better off pairing a small treat with a regular cup of joe.

7. Worst Margarita Traditional Red Lobster Lobsterita (24 fl oz) 890 calories 0 g fat 183 g carbohydrates Carbohydrate Equivalent: 7 Almond Joy candy bars   Of all the egregious beverages we’ve analyzed, the Lobsterita surprised us the most. The nation’s biggest fish purveyor is one of the few big players in the restaurant biz to provide its customers with a wide selection of truly healthy food options. We would hope they’d do the same with the beverages, but obviously not. Drink one of these every Friday night and you’ll put on more than a pound of flab each month. Downgrade to a regular margarita on the rocks and pocket the remaining 640 calories.
6. Worst Float Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Soda (vanilla ice cream and cola) (large, 28.6 fl oz) 960 calories 40 g fat (25 g saturated, 1.5 g trans) 136 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 9.7 Fudgsicle fudge bars   Done right, an ice cream float can be a decent route to indulgence. Go to A&W and you’ll land a medium for fewer than 400 calories. Order it with diet soda and you’ve dropped below 200 calories. So why can’t Baskin-Robbins make even a small float with fewer than 470 calories? Because apparently the chain approaches the art of beverage-crafting as a challenge to squeeze in as much fat and sugar as possible. Whatever you order, plan on splitting it with a friend.

5. Worst Frozen Fruit Drink Krispy Kreme Lemon Sherbet Chiller (20 fl oz) 980 calories 40 g fat (36 g saturated) 115 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 16 medium-size chocolate eclairs   Imagine taking a regular can of soda, pouring in 18 extra teaspoons of sugar, and then swirling in half a cup of heavy cream. Nutritionally speaking, that’s exactly what this is, which is how it manages to marry nearly 2 days’ worth of saturated fat with enough sugar to leave you with a serious sucrose hangover. Do your heart a favor and avoid any of Krispy Kreme’s “Kremey” beverages. The basic Chillers aren’t the safest of sippables either, but they’ll save you up to 880 calories.
4. Worst Frozen Mocha Così Double Oh! Arctic Mocha (gigante, 23 fl oz) 1,210 calories 19 g fat (10 g saturated) 240 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 41 Oreo Cookies   A frozen mocha will never be a stellar option, but we’ve still never come across anything that competes with this cookie-coffee- milkshake hybrid from Così. Essentially it’s a mocha Blizzard made with Oreo cookies and topped with whipped cream and an oversize Oreo. The result is a beverage with more calories than two Big Macs and more sugar than any other drink in America.

3. Worst Drive-Thru Shake McDonald’s Triple Thick Chocolate Shake (large, 32 fl oz) 1,160 calories 27 g fat (16 g saturated, 2 g trans) 168 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 13 McDonald’s Baked Hot Apple Pies   There are very few milk shakes in America worthy of your hard-earned calories, but few will punish you as thoroughly as this Mickey D’s drive-thru disaster. Not only does it have more than half your day’s caloric and saturated fat allotment and more sugar than you’d find in Willy Wonka’s candy lab, but Ronald even finds a way to sneak in a full day of cholesterol- spiking trans fat. The scariest part about this drink is that it’s most likely America’s most popular milk shake.
2. Worst Smoothie Smoothie King Peanut Power Plus Grape (large, 40 fl oz) 1,498 calories 44 g fat (8 g saturated) 214 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 20 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups   If Smoothie King wants someone to blame for landing this high on our worst beverages roundup (and truth be told, its entire menu is riddled with contenders), the chain should point the smoothie straw at whichever executive came up with the cup-sizing structure. Sending someone out the door with a 40-ounce cup should be a criminal offense. Who really needs a third of a gallon of sweetened peanut butter blended with grape juice, milk, and bananas? Sugar-and-fat-loaded smoothies like this should be served from 12-ounce cups, not mini kegs.

1. Worst Beverage in America Cold Stone PB&C (Gotta Have It size, 24 fl oz) 2,010 calories 131 g fat (68 g saturated) 153 g sugars Sugar Equivalent: 30 Chewy Chips Ahoy Cookies   In terms of saturated fat, drinking this Cold Stone catastrophe is like slurping up 68 strips of bacon. Health experts recommend capping your saturated fat intake at about 20 grams per day, yet this beverage packs more than three times that into a cup the size of a Chipotle burrito. But here’s what’s worse: No regular shake at Cold Stone, no matter what the size, has fewer than 1,000 calories. If you must drink your ice cream, make it one of the creamery’s “Sinless” options. Otherwise you’d better plan on buying some bigger pants on the way home.